When I grow up...

I wanna be famous
I wanna be a star
I wanna be in movies

When I grow up
I wanna see the world
Drive nice cars
I wanna have groupies
("When I Grow Up" by the Pussycat Dolls)

Even though it's not my dream to be famous and have groupies, I love that song!

I thought of it this morning as I was getting ready for another day at the office. My current job is definitely NOT what I sang about when I was young. I work for a technology company in Silicon Valley. I don't have much to complain about, I'm employed, I make a good living, my hours are good, and I *sometimes* feel like I'm adding value. Mostly, it's a paycheck that I can't pass up.

As a child playing with dolls I never dreamed of working in Corporate America. I played school. I played library. I played "store". I was intrigued by jobs where one would scan things and use a register. Another dream job was to follow in Malibu Barbie's footsteps and have a dozen kids that I'd shuttle around town.

Post-doll playing years and after graduating from college, I still always thought my job would be to be a mom--just like my own mom. But unlike her, I'd probably be less Mrs. Cleaver and more Mrs. Brady. I'd work for a while, save some money, get married and have babies. Depending on my financial situation, maybe I'd work part-time, maybe I wouldn't work at all while the kids were young.

Because I moved to San Francisco at 22 and wanted to be finanically independent, I opted to stay in business instead of following my teacher/librarian/store clerk dreams. I also knew this business job would be temporary so it worked "for now". Needless to say, I've been in this job two years too many.

Having a baby isn't my "out" of a bad job. Having a baby means I get to start my dream career. I liken it to Max's job. What if he went to med school, did his residency only to find out he then had to wait indefinitely to get his dream job. No one could tell him why he couldn't get a job, he just had to be patient and HOPEFULLY one would appear.

Granted, babysitting is not nearly the preparation that medical school is, but you get the idea. I'm not asking to be a professional athlete or singer--jobs that I know are very hard to obtain despite great talent. I want to do a job that many people get to do every second of every day--willingly and not. I want to do a job that biology says I should be able to do. Biology aside, I am qualified for this job and think I'd love it.

Instead, I'm going to work every day while I wait--waiting for the day I get to start my real career. I do my current job well but there's no question that my aspirations to climb up the ladder here are limited. I see it as a paycheck, medical benefits (although fertilty benefits have just run out...sigh), and something to do. Boy, I hope my boss doesn't read this...

I considered leaving my current profession last year when I got laid off. It seemed like a good time to re-evaluate my career goals and find a job I was passionate about or to stop working altogether. It was a sign. But, we had just bought our first house, we were one year into trying to conceive, and I got tempted by an offer that was too good to pass up...financially, at least. Eleven months later, no baby. Still in the same crappy cubicle.

I feel very fortunate to have a husband that supports me in my career choice. He has a hard time understanding why I stay in a field that I'm not passionate about but that's because he's in a job he loves. Proof of that is he would do his job for free--and has! I would NEVER in a million years volunteer to do my job. In fact, I probably wouldn't even take a pay cut. Max has told me to quit if that's what I need to do. He has encouraged me to find something that will be more enjoyable. He is also supportive of my decision to become a stay-at-home mom (or work part-time) when the time comes. We are lucky to have saved our pennies and that his job can support us both, if needed. Given the high cost of living in the Bay Area, I appreciate this much more than Barbie ever did. Frankly, she probably took Ken's job for granted.

I know that many women feel that becoming a stay-at-home-mom puts women at risk of being financially dependent on men. In some cases, I would agree. For me, I'm happy to have that as an option while my chidren are young. Being financially dependent on Max doesn't worry me. He's dependent on me now and will be even more when we have children. We have a partnership. Plus, if necessary, I would go back to work and know that I would be able to provide for my family financially--though it may mean moving to a different town.

For now, I'll sing:

When I grow up
I wanna be pregnant
I wanna be a mommy
I wanna be in playgroups

When I grow up
I wanna see the playground
Drive nice strollers
I wanna have babies